Learning Active Listening Skills

What a Salesman Should Learn From His Wife

This story appeared in Sign Builder Illustrated magazine. 

By Jim Hingst

A married salesman has an advantage that most single salesmen will never understand. They know that when your wife talks, it’s best to keep your mouth shut and listen. This is a valuable lesson that you should use when conducting a sales interview or when dealing with a dissatisfied customer. Listening doesn’t mean sitting passively and occasionally grunting. Wives know that when their husbands behave in this manner, that they aren’t really listening. Customers can sense this too.

Instead I recommend active listening. Before I describe what that is, let me explain what it isn’t. When your wife has had a particularly frustrating day, she often wants to vent or explain her problems. According to John Gray in his popular book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, as your wife is relating her story, she generally does not want you to break in as her knight in shining armor and tell her what you would to do. This is called an interruption. It is rude whether you do it to your wife or to a prospect. Let them fully explain themselves. What they want and need is an empathetic ear. In your role as a sales consultant, you will have plenty of time to offer a solution, after you thoroughly diagnose the problem.

What listening attentively with empathy means, was best expressed by Dr. Stephen Covey in his book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, when he instructed readers to “seek first to understand, then to be understood”. Without a doubt, this is the most important lesson that you should learn for any interaction with another, whether you are dealing with a customer, employee or family member.

Most of us have the ability to hear sounds. That’s easy, because it takes no effort. Listening, on the other hand, is difficult, because it requires that you concentrate on what the speaker is trying to communicate. It takes real effort to look beyond the words so that you can see and understand the other person’s point of view. Real active listening is nearly impossible when you are thinking more about what you want to say than what the prospect is saying.

The fact is that maintaining silence drives most salesmen nuts. The natural desire that many sales people have is to wait for an opening to interject their opinion or say something cute or launch in a long winded presentation. Don’t do it! Resist the urge to talk about yourself and your company and all the great things you can do for the prospect. Taking that approach often kills a conversation and any chance that you will make a sale. When you are thinking more about how you will respond, you are not really listening.

Instead, when a customer is explaining his problems, let him or her tell their story. Don’t interrupt. If you are truly interested in developing real relationships with prospects, sincerely care about their needs and what they are telling you.  Empathetic listening not only helps you see the world through the prospect’s eyes, it helps you build rapport and trust with that person. By doing that, it is more likely that the other person will listen to us, when it is our time to speak. In turn, it makes it more likely that the two of you will come to an agreement.

In active listening, if you don’t fully understand something what a prospect is saying, ask him or her a clarifying question. You could begin a clarifying question by restating what you believe the prospect said. This is a common technique that many veteran salesmen use in a sales interview. It shows that you are at the very least attempting to understand what the prospect is saying. You could then ask if that is what they meant: “is that correct?” If you didn’t quite understand the point that the prospect was making, there is no shame in simply admitting it. Just ask the prospect to expound upon the point that they are making.

The more that the prospect talks, the more he or she feels comfortable in dealing with you. It also gives you an opportunity to better understand his or her business, and the company’s goals, competition and challenges. One of the lessons that I leaned from Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People was to ask the other party  open ended questions that allowed them to talk about themselves, their families, their business and their interests. If you want to master the fine art of conversation, become sincerely interested in him or her and let the other person speak.  Direct the spotlight on your prospect not on yourself.

Talking about the other person’s interests helps break the ice in an initial encounter. It is the small talk that we need to engage in during any first meeting to build that bridge to the big talk. When I was starting out in sales, I learned that when I walked into a prospect’s office that I should look around at pictures on the walls and on the objects on his desk for clues that revealed that something about that person. It might be a picture of a golf gathering or an autographed baseball or a trophy. Asking about these personal items allows you to listen to their stories. Discovering common ground allows you to break through any communication barriers.

What Gitmo interrogators discovered was that the key to getting terrorists to talk was treating the other person like a human being. They learned that if you begin a meeting with a smile that it is difficult for the other person not to smile back.  They also learned that if they could find a common interest, they could start to build a rapport that lead to trust which lead to conversations and ultimately usable intelligence. It is very difficult for someone to deceive you, if you treat people decently. They discovered that this approach was much more effective than threats or waterboarding. These same techniques are effective in sales.

Once you build rapport and begin a dialogue, you want to keep the prospect talking by asking questions. The best types of questions to ask are open ended questions. As part of your pre-call sales planning, you may want to prepare some questions in advance. Open ended questions are types of questions that a prospect cannot simply answer with either a yes or a no. This type of question is called a close ended question.

To frame an open ended question, employ what Rudyard Kipling coined as his six honest serving men: What, Why, When, How, Where and Who. Questions using these words, invite conversation.

Here are some examples of open ended questions:

● What changes would you like to see in your visual merchandising program?

● How would you like to change the way your customers view your business?

● Who are the biggest challenges that your face with your competitors?

● When do need the job completed?

When a customer or prospect asks you a question, don’t respond immediately. Instead take a few seconds to think about the question and what you are going to say before you answer. This signals to the customer that you have been listening to what he or she has been saying. If you don’t know the answer to the question, there is nothing wrong with saying, “I don’t know, but I will find out and get back to you.” Then be sure to follow up promptly. At the very least, this gives you another opportunity to interact with the customer. Remember that the rule of thumb is that it generally takes between 6 and 8 touches with a prospect to make a sale.

Dealing with the Ridiculous

In some cases, prospects can intentionally say something confrontational or challenge what we have said. When some people behave this way, it disguises dissatisfaction, annoyance or a hidden agenda. Some people do this just to show their dominance. Many of these people want to see how far they can push you or intimidate you, which they may intend to use in future dealings with you. While this is more of an alpha male trait, spouses will also pick a fight intentionally.

There is a right way and a wrong way to deal with this situation.   Married men know, or should know, that you should never argue with your wife. Arguing is always a no-win situation whether the other party is your wife or your customer. A customer is always right, even when he or she isn’t.

Openly contradicting a client breeds conflict and resentment. When pushed, another person’s natural inclination is to push back. Don’t do it. Make sure that you understand the other party’s position by restating it. Ask questions to further clarify his position. Then state your position calmly and clearly as best you can. If any conversation becomes heated, the best course of action is to back away gracefully.  

Prospects will not do business with you, if their past experiences with you engender negative feelings. People generally only buy from people they like. Relationship selling is still important in today’s marketplace.

Learn to Listen to Needs and Desires Behind the Words

Not everyone who makes a false statement is looking to confront you. Sometimes a prospect is just expressing a concern or they are looking for additional information. What he may be telling you is that in his purchasing role, he is afraid of making a bad buying decision that could reflect badly on him. He needs the security that the graphics program that you are proposing will produce the results that you claim.

The key to understanding what the other person is saying is not always the words that they are using. When you are listening to another, look behind the words that they use, and try to understand their feelings and their needs. For example, when your wife  tells you “I don’t want to talk about it”, what she may mean is that “I do want to talk about, but not now” or “I do want to talk about it, and when I am ready, please just sit there and listen.” The point is that whenever your wife or a prospect says something, you need to play detective to discover the hidden meaning.

When a prospect states something that is absolutely ridiculous, such as “I hear that vinyl graphics don’t last long outdoors”, they may be asking a question about the durability of your products. Perhaps he had a problem in the past. What he might be looking for is the assurance that your products will do what you say they will do. In a roundabout way, he may be inquiring whether your work is covered by a warranty. In other cases, people are just looking for more information so they can buy with confidence. There is only one way to know for sure. Ask for clarification.

On the other hand, you may have heard the prospect correctly. Kids aren’t the only ones who say the darnedest things. Prospects can also have prejudices and hold strange beliefs. Of course, telling the other person that that is the dopiest thing that you have ever heard will only get you tossed out the door.

A better way to address a false statement is by saying, “many people have felt the same way as you. These companies had problems with other suppliers. One example is company XYZ.” Explain how this company had problems with graphics produced by competitors and what you did to solve those problems.

Learn to Listen with Your Eyes

Some experts believe that words typically represent about 7% of face-to-face interpersonal communication. All other communication that we project to a prospect or them to us is non-verbal. That’s why you, as either a salesperson or manager, need to learn to listen with your eyes.

As a salesperson, this is a critical skill, because many prospects may make statements that are exaggerations, partial truths or just out-and-out lies. While their words may be easy for them to utter, it is difficult for their faces to disguise a falsehood.

Some behavioral clues can alert us when someone is not entirely honest with us. These behaviors include when a prospect averts his eyes instead of looking directly at us, fumbling speech delivery or nervousness. Be aware, though, that these behaviors are not always foolproof indications of deception. Some people can act in these ways all of the time.

What is important is that when you listen and look, you should keep your antennae up, because people, including our loved ones, lie to us every day. This should not cause you consternation. It doesn’t mean that wife is being untrue to you when she tells you how handsome you are. She just may want to protect you from the truth. You may lie that you weren’t eyeing the attractive woman across the room to avoid your wife’s disapproval.  

Everybody lies. Our politicians use deceptive ads to misrepresent an opponent’s position to win an election.  Manufacturers lie when they conceal a shortcoming of their products or exaggerate product performance claims. An activist media lies when they slant the news to advance a political agenda. Police lie to trick the accused into admitting guilt.

Keep your antennae up. Everybody lies. Look for changes in behavior.
(This work is in the public domain in its country of origin and other countries and areas where the copyright term is the author's life plus 70 years or less.)

Everybody has reasons for telling lies. Lying is just another common way that people interact with one another. In many cases, people lie to advance their position in life or protect themselves when their livelihood is in jeopardy. Is that bad? Not necessarily. As animals living in a complex world, this is ingrained in our natural survival mechanism. This is why, as listeners, we need to be skeptical of the spoken word and keep our eyes and ears open for deceptive cues.

What’s more, it is why we need to ask probing questions, listen for statements that seem out of place and look for unusual changes in body posture. The longer the other person talks, the better our chances become at getting closer to the truth. 

Resolving Conflicts

This picture is in the public domain. 

From time to time we all deal with conflicts. That conflict could be with your significant other, an employee or even a dissatisfied customer. Whatever the conflict, it can trigger an emotional response. Whether our natural response is high anxiety or anger or some other emotion, we usually stop listening. Neither retreating from conflict nor lashing out resolves the conflict for either party.

It goes against our natural inclination to just stand there and take it, especially when the other person is in our face. But, in my experience, having had to handle hundreds of service claims, that is exactly what you should do. Let the other say what he wants to say, even it is hurtful and unfair. Do your best, under the circumstances, to listen to what the other is saying.

When that person is finished, mirror back what he or she has said.  You might say: “What I understand you to say is …” You fill in the blank. The process of repeating what the other person has said, can help calm what could otherwise escalate into a more heated exchange.

If you have to deal with a customer’s product failure, my recommendation is to carefully examine the problem and do your best to determine the cause. If the complaint is legitimate, simply ask the client how they would like the problem resolved. You may be surprised, but what they may be expecting from you or your company may be much less than you were expecting to deliver.  

If the complaint is not warranted, you might explain the process that you went through in investigating the claim and arriving at your conclusion. In most cases, people will accept the results, if you have done a thorough job. If you treat people fairly, they will generally respond in kind. 

Conclusion

You may have heard the saying that God gave us two ears and one mouth and we should use them in that proportion. That saying should remind us to actively listen more to what our prospects are saying and not saying. Be sensitive to their fears, aspirations and needs. Finally, a self-help guru Tony Robbins advises, if you want better answers, ask better questions. When we learn these communication skills, we will develop stronger relationships and become better at resolving differences and coming to mutually beneficial agreements.

Here are 5 tips which can help you improve your active listening skills:

1. Take Notes. Before I began my sales career, I developed the habit of taking notes. I learned this when I was writing advertising testimonials.  Taking notes tells the prospect that you are listening. It is also a great way to refresh your memory when you are developing a design or preparing a proposal.

2. Avoid Distractions. If you are on the phone with a client or prospect, shut your door, clear your desk and turn off your computer and cell phone. Pay attention to what the other person is saying.

3. Paraphrase. Throughout the conversation, occasionally paraphrase what the prospect is saying. Paraphrasing as well as repeating a word or phrase that the client has used not only tells the other that you are paying attention, but it affirms the prospect’s statements, which helps build rapport.

4. Clarify. Ask questions to clarify the points that the client is making. To encourage the prospect to continue speaking, ask open ended questions. Remember that the primary purpose of an initial sales call is discovery. You want to fully understand the prospect’s point of view and challenges, so that you can later construct a graphics solution that satisfies his needs.

5. Summarize. Conclude your initial meeting by summarizing how you are going to follow up the sales call.

Developing good listening is essential to any business or personal interaction. To paraphrase Scottish economist and philosopher Adam Smith, if you are committed as a vendor to empathizing and understanding the needs of your customers, they will reward you with their business and their loyalty. If you can help enough people get what they want, you will get what you want. That’s a great formula for successful business negotiations and for better personal relationships.

Do You Have Questions or Comments?

About Jim Hingst: Sign business authority on vehicle wraps, vinyl graphics, screen printing, marketing, sales, gold leaf, woodcarving and painting. 

After fourteen years as Business Development Manager at RTape, Jim Hingst retired. He was involved in many facets of the company’s business, including marketing, sales, product development and technical service.

Hingst began his career 42 years ago in the graphic arts field creating and producing advertising and promotional materials for a large test equipment manufacturer.  Working for offset printers, large format screen printers, vinyl film manufacturers, and application tape companies, his experience included estimating, production planning, purchasing and production art, as well as sales and marketing. In his capacity as a salesman, Hingst was recognized with numerous sales achievement awards.

Drawing on his experience in production and as graphics installation subcontractor, Hingst provided the industry with practical advice, publishing more than 190 articles for  publications, such as  Signs Canada, SignCraft,  Signs of the Times, Screen Printing, Sign and Digital Graphics and  Sign Builder Illustrated. He also posted more than 500 stories on his blog (hingstssignpost.blogspot.com). In 2007 Hingst’s book, Vinyl Sign Techniques, was published.  Vinyl Sign Techniques is available at sign supply distributors and at Amazon. 

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